I acknowledge my frustration with myself has reached its peak: I am tired, overworked, and have a head cold. The cold is what gets me the most, because at my best I have only ever been sick a few days, and this cold has lingered for a few weeks. It’s a sign that I am doing a poor job of caring for myself, and this makes me sad. I aim to make smart decisions to ensure my longevity! I wonder if my bad attitude is simply manifesting in snot.
It’s time to take a walk and think. As the wind blows my hair, I think about how high my expectations are for my career. It’s the one area of my life that has been endlessly challenging. I think about how there are, in fact, people with fulfilling careers, and I wonder if I will ever be so lucky.
I decide that it’s time for action and I open this blog. Yes! Today is the day that I finally give into myself and create my space on the internet. I have three-years worth of blog posts written, and they are no where on the internet. The nagging feeling that I will never find out what happens if I don’t ever start drives me to take the leap. This action solidified my belief that this season of Lent is the oar that steers the ship.
All day I went back and forth about the decision to start this blog. Yes, do it! No, don’t! Yes, because: I want to, I’d like to, it’ll be fun, I want to see what my blog can become over the next five years. No, because: I cannot for the life of me settle on a name, I am too worried about things going wrong, and I am worried about things going right! No, no, no, no. And yet, here I am: back at the keyboard, pounding away. I’m going to figure this thing out. I am fueled by a day of rest and recovery. My child has a fever and so was extra cuddly, letting me hold him all day long. I am beyond blessed that I could spend this day in such a way, and the contentment and peace that fills my heart because of him will always be enough for me.
I did it, I picked a name for my corner of the internet! The Honest Journey is a combination of two things: 1) The Honesty Factory was the name of my original blog and 2) my analogy for life is that we are on our journey to becoming our truest, most beautiful self. I work in an industry where domain names matter. I also usually have a knack for words. This combination of lettering was challenging, and after many attempts for finding something remotely close to the right fit I figured I should just give up for a few more years and try again later. Suddenly, inspiration fell from the sky and into my little brain. I love the moments when it finally clicks and the truth is revealed.
Today I feel a bit numb, as though I don’t care about who I am or what I truly want from life. The risk I take is not smart or calculated, just haphazard. In response to the hardships of the day, I begin to believe that everything must change, that it’s all wrong. As a sign from above, I come across an encouraging note which states it’s okay to grow slowly. I ignore the note, of course.
Ignoring God is not something I can do very long without feeling great anxiety. So, my anxiety built and I realized (again) that I am the one standing in my own way. My prayer for the day: please help me to pull the weeds from my life so that good things can grow.
Today is my grandmother’s 78th birthday. 78! That is such an amazing feat. She has seen children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren into this world. Her actions many years (about 60) ago eventually led to the life I am living today. I think of her as the matriarch of my family, for it is because of her that my mother came to be, that I came to be, that my child came to be. Her journey has lasted 78 years so far, and she is a strong woman who bakes the best desserts and has the coziest home. I love her dearly.
I feel normal. I don’t feel tormented or agonized. This is more than I could hope to ask, so I am grateful and thankful.
There is a calm after the storm now. The weather is warming up and I begin to feel eager for the year and the upcoming spring season. I am ready to stop hibernating and start living! As winter closes, so does my annual season of introspection, and I am energized to being taking action.