Lately my awareness of myself has peaked over the times that I feel most like my “true” self and the times that I feel most anxious.
Happiness and satisfaction wash over me when I am honoring myself. I feel proud and excited when I realize that I am living the kind of day that aligns with my values. It’s such a joyful feeling that I am lucky enough to feel more of now that I am an adult who has a bit more control over her days. I feel happy when the day is even-keeled and I can really settle into whatever is showing up in the day. For example, getting to work at my normal desk during a work day helps me feel much more relaxed than the days that I have to travel to a different office. The change in routine is what gets me, and I find that it takes me a while to settle down before I can focus.
That’s not to say I don’t appreciate adventure and change, but when it comes to completing my best work, I need the stability of a routine.
Routine is what helps me feel calm, which then leads to me focusing and completing great work. For me, “great work” looks like: parenting well, having real conversations with my friends and family, and writing blogs. These are the precious pieces of life which I cannot get enough; I truly enjoy and appreciate them.
But routine is elusive. While I adore it, I cannot count on it being there for me everyday. What I can count on is that life happens and, when it does, my routine and my sense of calm is the very first thing to be sabotaged, which is definitely problematic.
The expectation that I would feel the same way or do the same things in the same way, day in and day out, is unachievable. The fact that I have this expectation and base my sense of contentment off of it has led to many moments of frustration.
The truth is that we are constantly in flux, the days are different and we will have feelings to match. I’m working to honor this fact by trying to adjust my expectations of myself and my days. I am working to be okay with the fact that I will not always have a great day, be a great person, or write a great post. I cannot expect to be great at being myself when I am still in the midst of discovering myself. The best that I can do is take note and reevaluate my actions, making sure they align with my values for that day alone.